I Forgot to Have Kids and Get Married

This one is for the lovers, dreamers and rich aunties.

Welcome to another edition of Love, Peace, and Tacos, a weekly newsletter where I share what I’m feeling, loving, and eating. After a summer hiatus, a new episode of my podcast We’re Never Doing This Again is out!

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In November 2020, I had my left ovary removed.

I had a large dermoid cyst and in order to remove it, the surgeon had to take my left ovary as well. The pain from the cyst was excruciating (often leaving me bedridden for days), so I was more than willing to give up one of my ovaries if it meant being pain-free.

I woke up after my surgery, groggy, and hopped up on painkillers, to find a sticky note from my surgeon.

“Extensive scar tissue. Fertility not likely.”

It was the reproductive health equivalent of being dumped by a post-it.

In recent years, I’d grown increasingly indifferent to the idea of having children. When asked whether I wanted kids, I’d say “Maybe, but only if I meet someone I want to have them with.” It seemed easier to make the decision dependent on the arrival of an imaginary person (if they don’t show up, I don’t have to become a parent, hooray!) than to trust my own intuition.

When I finally listened to my intuition, I heard what it had been saying all along — that parenthood just wasn’t for me.

It feels weird to mourn a life you never really wanted in the first place, but that’s what happened. I cried, I journalled, I spoke to my therapist.

Somewhere in the midst of this process, I stumbled across Rachel Cargle’s Rich Auntie Supreme Instagram account. Cargle defines a Rich Auntie Supreme as “a woman who has decided to pursue the journey of being child-free by choice & in turn intentionally indulges in the richness of being a meaningful part of the villages around here.”

That’s when it hit me.

I’m not meant to be a mom, I’m meant to be an auntie.

An auntie who lives a fabulous freedom-filled life and travels often - preferably with monogrammed luggage. Think a femme version of Fraggle Rock’s Uncle Travelling Matt — they’re kind of hard to pin down but their postcard game is unmatched.

(So, I guess this?)

An auntie who is also rich in time, that she uses to pursue her curiosity, creativity, and pleasure. An auntie who has a home she loves, that truly reflects who she is and where she hosts guests regularly — including the children of her friends.

My dream space looks something like this and hypothetically might include a special area dedicated to Muppets 🤔

(Alyssa and I talk allllll about this in the latest episode of the podcast that dropped last week!)

The more I lean into my inner Auntie Simone (or “Mone” as my niece calls me), the more aligned I feel.

That isn’t to say that owning who you are isn’t also scary. Because it is.

There’s still the pervasive narrative that to be a truly valuable member of society, a woman must be a wife and mother (even though, as a society we don’t necessarily care for women once they do become mothers — a rant for another post!). Single, childless women of a certain age are either seen as frivolous and “selfish” or sad weirdos looking to fill a void like Trina and her Precious Moments figurines - a character from Mad TV that can’t have kids because of a mysterious ‘toilet flushing accident’ (I’m a sex writer, so I can say this is not a thing. I repeat, NOT A THING, PEOPLE!)

Whether you chose a different path or your body chose it for you (or like me, a combo of columns A and B), it can feel lonely — especially if the people around you are living differently.

But if I’ve learned anything from being a person on the internet for 20 years, it’s that you don’t have to look far to find your people.

I’m reminded of this every time I record a new episode of We’re Never Doing This Again.

When I launched the podcast, the premise was to swap bad date stories with funny, interesting people. However, as is often the case with creative projects, it’s taken on a life of its own. Is it still about dating? Yes, but it’s also about living your life on your own terms as an elder Millennial/GenX person.

Over the course of 15+ episodes, I’ve had the privilege of speaking with a bunch of fellow “aunties” and other folks who are charting their own paths. Through these conversations, I’ve learned that so many of us are wrestling with the same questions.

(Why did I make so many bad dating choices? Why do we, as women, feel the need to people please? How do you date online when the system is rigged against you? What does it mean to be a single woman in her 40s? Are men okay? What’s it like being married to the Hamburgler?)

Recently, someone close to me asked me why I love the Muppets so much.

It took me a moment to put it into words because I’d never really thought about it (why do any of us love the things we’ve loved since we were children?).

I always felt different as a kid and had desires for my life that felt out of step with those of my peers. The Muppets represented a whole rag-tag group of weirdos and outcasts who shared big dreams. Also, even as a child, I identified with the artistry. Jim Henson wasn’t afraid to take big swings if it meant creating magic. In his universe, frogs ride bikes, pigs do intricate synchronized swimming routines, and unlikely friends come together to make art.

What if I created a similar community for people who have big dreams and don’t fit into the status quo? What would that look like?

These are just a few of the disparate threads I’ve been thinking about as I navigate a period of transition where it feels like everything in my life is shifting.

Many of the things that were constant in my life prior to 2023 have ceased to exist — from beloved neighborhood landmarks to the presence of my father. It’s disorienting, but I’m trying to view this time of destruction as an opportunity to create something new.

You could say I’m at a fork in my road (another Muppet deep cut!)

The small but engaged community I’ve built around the podcast and this newsletter is a constant reminder that I’m not the only one experiencing these shifts and embracing a slightly less conventional life.

There are other lovers and dreamers, and aunties and uncles, lighting the path.

Maybe that’s you.

To quote Uncle Travelling Matt, “I don’t know where I am or where I am going, but I’m being well looked after on the way there.”

We’re not alone.

We’re here.

I hope we can use this space to connect and revel in the uncertainty and boundless potential of it all.

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Love, Peace, and Tacos,

Simone