To All the Young Women in the Bathroom Lineup
To All the Young Women in the Bathroom Lineup
Dispatches from your favourite 40-something auntie
Welcome to another edition of Love, Peace, and Tacos, a weekly-ish newsletter where I share what I’m feeling, loving, and eating.
Victoria’s hottest club is an abandoned grocery store.
I learned this on Halloween when I went to not just one, but two, back-to-back parties. The second party, a disco-house DJ set, was at Club Loading. Once home to Tomley’s Market, the Black-owned business has been transformed into a late-night spot while still retaining its history.
This place has EVERYTHING (*cue Stefon's voice*) Abandoned shopping carts! Gen X-ers mingling with Gen Z-ers! Missed cultural references! Bartenders in fur coats! A dairy case that’s now used as a coat check!
(And most shocking of all) DECENT HOUSE MUSIC!
I’m fortunate to have come of age in Toronto at a time when there were still a plethora of great underground clubs and parties (think: Industry, Roxy Blu, Una Mas, RNB parties, MILK parties) so I feel like I’ve earned the right to be very picky about my house music.
With that being said, Club Loading delivered on both sound quality and good vibes. If I squinted my eyes, it almost felt a bit like I was at a Toronto after-hours party circa 1999-2001 (minus copious amounts of cocaine, Red Bull, and vodka that were typically running through my system back then).
Note: I was dressed as Madonna — one of the handful of rotating Halloween costumes I bring out every few years.
The evening reminded me of what I miss about going out dancing (the music, the energy, the unexpected connections) while simultaneously reminding me of what I don’t miss (bathroom line-ups, the sheer panic of not being able to find a cab when it’s time to leave).
In the early hours of November 1st, I spent a sobering 30 minutes in line for what I quickly learned was the club’s only washroom stall. The only upside to this experience was that I struck up a conversation with a couple of the young women in line.
I can’t remember how it came up (it was likely in regard to how torturous it is to stand in line in heels), but one of them said, “Omg, I’m so old. I just turned 30!” Their jaws dropped when I told them my age (43).
While I’m fully aware that I don’t look like I’m in my twenties anymore, I think I look good for my age. This likely has a lot to do with my attitude, how I carry myself, and the fact that I still play with dolls. (I also don’t think twentysomethings have any idea what someone in their 40’s looks like — does anyone?)
We ended up having a really great conversation about skincare routines and hangover cures1, which quickly devolved into a discussion around the societal expectations of women and what it’s like to be a 20-something/30-something/40-something.
My new friends very thoughtfully asked me what I wish I’d known when I was in my late twenties, so I thought I’d share a few of the things I shared with them.
Wear sunscreen daily.
Even on cloudy days when you don’t think you need it. I started doing this in my twenties and I honestly think it’s what saved me from looking like Leatherface after surviving many harsh winters in Toronto.
Find a skincare routine that works for you, but don’t overthink it.
I mostly use CeraVe products, which you can buy at the drugstore. My morning routine is as follows: Cleanse + Hyaluronic Acid Serum (use Vichy Mineral 89) + Vitamin C Serum + Moisturizer. At night I repeat this routine but use a Retinol serum instead of Vitamin C.
Always take off your makeup and wash your face before bed.
If this is challenging for you, keep some cotton pads, micellar water, and moisturizer on your nightstand.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
Listen to what people are actually saying (versus what you want to hear). If you pay attention, people will tell you exactly who they are through their words and actions.
Don’t make someone a priority so you can be their option.
It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t decide what they want or wants something completely different than you do.
Don’t let someone’s dusty son who doesn’t even own a bed frame steal your joy.
Other people’s behavior and opinions have very little to do with you and instead are a reflection of their worldview and experience.
Don’t take things too personally. If someone close to you hurts your feelings, by all means, address it with them directly so you can resolve the issue….but that shady salesperson, that inconsistent dude you met on Tinder, the person who cut in line at Starbucks? Their behavior may suck but doesn’t have anything to do with you. Realizing this is incredibly freeing.
Enjoy your food.
Life is short. This should come as no surprise given the name of this newsletter, but eat the tacos and have dessert. Instead of taking things out of your diet, add more! More fruits, veggies, leafy greens, and foods rich in omega 3’s.
Learn to make one or two easy meals that are as good as (or better than) takeout.
Mine are miso ramen and shrimp tacos. This will save you tons of cash & headaches in the long run.
Heal your money stuff.
Finances are emotional. For many of us, our experiences around money are linked to difficult moments in our upbringing and generational trauma. One of the most rewarding things I’ve done for myself in the past five years is work on healing some of this trauma. For me, this has involved learning more about personal finance (it’s like exposure therapy, the more I know, the less scary it becomes) and doing inner work around my beliefs about money.
If you’re looking for a place to start,
’s Cash Money Honey program has been life-changing. My friend Amber Adrian also just launched a series of daily Money Healings which have been great for an energetic reset.Direct withdrawals are your friend.
Compound interest is a real thing. Even if you only have an extra $20 (or even $5!) to spare per month, set up direct withdrawals that go to an investment or high-yield savings account that you can’t easily access. It’s never too late to start. Your future self will thank you!
Experiences > Things.
I’ve made a lot of regrettable purchases in my life, but I’ve never regretted the concerts I’ve seen or the friends I’ve flown across the country to visit.
Even if you have an imperfect relationship with yourself, you’re still worthy of kindness, respect, and love.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Self-love is an ongoing process and no one is ever “fully healed.” If you wait until you reach the ideal place of self-love before you give yourself permission to wear that bikini, take that solo trip, or find a relationship that truly satisfies you, you’re going to miss out on a lot of joy.
Go to therapy!
In my twenties and early thirties, I was an emotional hoarder. I held onto every hurt and trauma, unable to process them or truly move forward. By the time I reached my mid-twenties, I felt depressed and numb. This changed when I started seeing a therapist — one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself (and yes, I believe everyone should go to therapy, whether they think they need it or not!)
Don’t let things fester. Seek help as soon as you can.
Be obsessed with the things that bring you joy.
Your weirdness is your superpower! Figure out what activities/interests light you up and make you feel most like yourself, and do more of those things.
You are not doing the world any favors by pressing the dimmer switch on your identity.
Be honest about what you want.
I spent so much of my late twenties and early thirties halfheartedly trying to fit into the heteronormative model of what I was told I should want (marriage, children, a house, an office job) while simultaneously feeling guilty and like a failure that I didn’t want what I was supposed to want (at least not in the way it was presented to me).
If you want to be partnered and have a family, that’s wonderful. However, you don’t need those things to live a happy, fulfilled life. I wish I’d had more examples of this when I was younger — people who are doing things a little differently, living outside of society’s expectations, and thriving.
This morning I read
latest newsletter which asks the question, what do you want to be known for? I want to be the person I needed when I was younger — the role model, the auntie figure, the example of what it looks like to live life on your own terms.If you see me in a bathroom lineup, come say hi.
What advice would you bestow on your younger self?
My hangover prevention method (from days of yore): is food and a pot of green tea before bed, followed by a green protein smoothie in the morning. For everything else, there’s YSL Touche Eclat concealer.